What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 06:48
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One cannot live in the past .
She wouldn,t have been !
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Who is someone that inspires you?
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
All the time i was locked up.
What should a young woman do to control sagging breasts?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But, we were locked up after school.
Why do many women wear sleeveless shirts, more so than men?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As i do to all so called friends.?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Have you ever dealt with a Christian narcissist?
So whats the point in blame.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why does a straight man like anal penetration?
We all went to grammer schools
(And it was in our own minds.)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I write beautiful poetry .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Do all you people that took the "jab" feel lied to yet?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
What did i know ?
Why do I sweat (mostly on face) when I eat usually spicy food?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was 9 years of age.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Put me off passion for life!!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My life is so biszare .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I said to her
She found it foreign!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But it wasn’t much.
I think the readers, may guess!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We were not on the streets..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Especially a lifetime of it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
When she asked me how she looked .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was in good health!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Comes on , in middle age.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Would this be the day?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And i lived it daily.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I couldn’t, believe it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I don,t even have a pension.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I have no regrets .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was very sick at this time too.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I will be 64.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im still living with it.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
It was going to be , some day.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But ive been too sick for many years..
He knew the spot.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was scared of men, in general
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So, i spoilt her more .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
This is soul school!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I waited trembling.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Who then, do I blame.?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Ive learnt so much.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She loved him until the end.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She married twice! .
I was seconnd youngest,
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My family never makes their pension either.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.